I AM A .... VICTIM...AGAIN (ramblings)

I allowed myself to be the victim.... i allowed him to walk off with my most valuable things... the little trust I gave was stolen, betrayed and abused... he told me more lies... he called me selfish even though i give him all of me... i am the only one that hurts because he doesnt care nor should i....but i do... i tried to push my tears to the surface but they wouldnt come... wanted to convince myself i wasnt wrong... justify i was right... im so empty because he took my valuables... im moving on but my house wont be a home because my heart is missing... mind so fucked up, heart missing,

I think I am stepping in the wrong direction... my world which once faded a way is tragically trying to re-emerge. people are drifting closer, old habits leave a watering mouth, I feel like death is the easy way out but I want to fight this battle, i am just afraid to lose. i dont have the courage to face myself again, because self hatred is there. Self pity is present. self doubt in the forefront, and the faith i had that was the size of a mustard seed is being dug up from the soil.

ummm...eh

I have no feeling with my life thus far. i have made some bad decisions but i am trying to take the road less traveled which happens to be about me. I am working on being a better mom and be involved in my daughter school but i find myself quickly annoyed by little things, i try to be a better worker and i get annoyed by everything.... maybe just maybe i should increase my medicine. LOL

i wish people understood my struggle. all i see is darkness... the glimmer of light i see

who is gonna my soul now?(gnarls barkley)

I wanted to go to church today but something was holding me back. I feel too weak to endure the beating the devil tries to give me for going to church... i know i am destined for greatness but the road seems harder and more trouble than its worth. i am a good person i know the merciful God wont let me parish in hell. but it seems like anytime i try to believe and have faith everything bad happens. major one being losing my dad. i went to church and prayed and prayed but he died. in some ways i feel like i had a hand in it. when i did my part by going to church and then i lost something so dear to me.


I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

I feel like my heart has been broken and i can almost put the pieces back together myself but the glue and duck tape wont keep it functional b/c its a piece almost like a shard missing. it just wont be the same. stupid fucking relationship was a disaster and it really took a toll on me b/c i depended on an ill fitting piece for my heart to be fixed.

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

DAMN DADDY I MISS YOU! And nothing and nobody is able to take your place. I have wished you back hundreds of times but i know your battle was long and hard... i love you!

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

facing the beast

so im running thru the woods... something is chasing me but i am too afraid to stop and see what i am running from

i am running, running, sweating out of breathe but i notice there is hope for me yet, a cliff. i am just gonna take a leap of faith and jump, if my death was meant to be then it will be but i rather die on my own terms not at the hands of another

i pick up speed, so does the thing

i run like i am doing hurdles, seems like the wind is pushing me making me fly

and

with wrong step i come crashing face down on a boulder

blood flows from my forehead and i turn over on my back

and

i see the beast but i never imagined what i saw... i saw, i saw.... ME

no matter where i run, i will find me

i will find depression
i will find mania
i will find psychosis
i will find anxiety
i will find problems
i will find addiction
i will find pain
i will find stress
i will find loneliness

i WILL find EVERYTHING i run from

because

they are apart of me.

Hello sunshine...(now listening to the COOL Lupe Fiasco)

hello sunshine

today a new day... a holiday...labor day... anxiety is setting in about going to work... will i have a job...will something better come along... suppose to go to ki grandmother's house but out of fear of being taunted i really dont want to go...sad but the truth is they hurt my feelings...their words do hurt me...<tear>...i am unhappy with  myself but i have no support for losing the unwanted weight and my depression just goes back and forth... i told my therapist i am fine, i smile and say i am ready to go back, i feel better but it is not the whole truth, i am still suffering... silently